Post by mrcaldicott on Jan 6, 2015 14:37:56 GMT
Crucible first draft feedback and repair
General observations –
*Technical accuracy on the whole was good. One or two failed outright on spelling and punctuation errors. This is no longer amusing.
* Linking between paragraphs is more or less non-existent for some of you.
* The only time you should use ellipsis in the middle of quotes is to miss out irrelevant words/sections – not the middle of entire quotes (just because you cannot be bothered to write it all out!) The marker needs to see the whole thing.
*As long as you didn’t over-complicate the essay or just describe events / motives / actions plain wrong, the essays were of a better quality than the Gatsby first drafts. On the whole they were relevant, and showed good knowledge of Proctor. (G= 15 passed first draft, Average mark 11.9. TC = 19 pass, average 13.2)
Specific points -
* Very few refer to the initial action which begins the drama – i.e. Abigail’s lies & accusations (ie lack of integrity) is the catalyst for the whole tragedy.
* From plan: ‘Address the fact the play is based on historical events, making it more powerful.’ This doesn’t mean just repeating the above, which is vague. Address the fact! Does the fact the lying, manipulation and bitterness is based on real human actions and interactions make it more chilling? Disturbing? Say so!
* Some poor understanding of what a literal crucible is or does. Saying a crucible can ‘withstand’ great pressure and heat is true, but hardly relevant is it? Relevant: heat (intense – uncomfortable) , small space (claustrophobic, confined) - link to integrity being tested in this difficult / unpleasant environment. Ask class. See (1)
* Techniques mentioned in intro – inconsistent attention paid to these throughout essays. Some mention them in intro, never to be mentioned again – why??
Elizabeth denying John’s affair is the turning point. This is a dramatic technique used by Miller. It is in Act Three. Try and understand why it changes the direction of events. This is what a turning point is. Characterisation of Proctor is also a dramatic technique used by Miller. It is created by many things (his dialogue with others, the language (inc. word choice and tone) he uses, stage directions etc etc. It happens throughout the play. Climax is a dramatic technique. It is a point in Act 4 where the tension and intense turmoil reach their highest point. That is what a climax is. Try and show understanding of this in your analysis. When is this point, exactly > just before, or the instant he tears the confession. What makes it climactic? > Tension, the stakes (what’s at risk, what is to be gained), Forgiveness, resolution.
* Paragraph 3 – ‘integrity’ is in inverted commas for a reason! Many of you write it without, or do not write ‘lack of’, displaying no understanding.
* Paragraph 3 – further issues. The plan said ‘Mention that John is characterised in a way that makes him stand out in contrast to the ‘integrity’ shown by the weak Parris, the bitter Putnams and the vengeful Abigail. Why is this effective?’ Hmmm. See (3) Why are these brief adjectives describing others so good? © Andrew Keron 2013.
* Proctor’s avowal to ‘cut off his hand’ is often analysed well, but some completely miss the point. It shows his integrity. How? Admits thinking of A – honesty, transparency (Esp. compared to Putnams, Parris etc) – image of mutilation is shocking and strong – shows his resolve to stay true – he believes in E, in marriage – he’s morally upright.
* So many ‘bolt on’ comments on integrity that you somehow think are effective. Example: ‘Abby, I may think of you softly from time to time. But I’ll cut off my hand before I’ll ever reach for you again.’ Proctor’s determination and passion to never go back to Abigail are conveyed in this violent, shocking image. This conveys his integrity.’ Arrrrgh! Neither should you over complicate it. Referring to the question should always be straightforward, connected with what you’ve just said and never ‘bolt on’. Example:
‘Proctor’s determination and resolve to not rekindle his affair with Abigail and clear guilt over his actions is conveyed effectively with this violent, gruesome image, and furthermore shows he is a man who values integrity and honestly highly.’
* Fraser’s analysis of John holding Mary’s elbow / answering for her / Mary changing her mind in his presence casting doubt on his integrity only works if you explain it in terms of the court’s perception of him, or at least other characters. We don’t suddenly think he’s a witch, do we??
* Once again the ‘L’ part of the PEEL paragraphs is consistently poorly done from many.
* #notesnotcomingoutright1: ‘Proctor’s affair is both a blessing and a curse.’ sounds awful. Better: ‘Proctor’s affair is crucial as it could damn him or save him’ even ‘potential blessing’ is better.
* As in the Gatsby essay, many, many people suffer from irrelevant topic sentences. For example I saw a lot of ‘In Act 3, Proctor and Mary come to court…’ You may as well write: ‘I’m going to re-tell the story now, and I might link back to integrity at the end of the paragraph.’ How to set your aim at the target? ‘In Act 3, Proctor’s integrity is put to the test in the crucible-like atmosphere of the court.’
* Often there is no connection between paragraphs 5 and 6. Para 5s often end like: Elizabeth’s protection of John ironically condemns him and removes his only advantage over Abigail.’ Then immediately into para 6: ‘Proctor displays much integrity when he decides to rip up his confession in Act 4’.
* Nearly ZERO quotes of ‘Because it is my name!...’ in Act 4. How important is this? Very. Use it! Think about how John’s ‘name’ – first his family’s opinion of him and second his reputation in Salem – is important to him, how highly he was thought of by everyone. Think about his reaction when Danforth says they will post his confession on the church door.
* Just listing ‘Parris, Danforth, Cheever and Hathorne are the ‘dogs’…’ at the end of your essay carries no weight if you don’t specify who they are / why they’re hypocritical and lack integrity.
* #notesnotcomingoutright2: ‘Proctor wants to be seen as a symbol of truth’ is a bit like saying Gatsby doesn’t want the pool drained because it symbolises his love for Daisy – far fetched and slightly absurd. Always think about the difference between the often straightforward motives / reactions of human characters and our literary interpretation of events (e.g. perceiving symbolism). Remember, we don’t always know if Fitzgerald and Miller intended their writing to be seen in all the ways we allege – but as long as you argue convincingly, accurately and relevantly, your points will be given merit.
So many of you are potential 21s- 23s in essays but will fall short unless you redraft carefully with the above in mind.
General observations –
*Technical accuracy on the whole was good. One or two failed outright on spelling and punctuation errors. This is no longer amusing.
* Linking between paragraphs is more or less non-existent for some of you.
* The only time you should use ellipsis in the middle of quotes is to miss out irrelevant words/sections – not the middle of entire quotes (just because you cannot be bothered to write it all out!) The marker needs to see the whole thing.
*As long as you didn’t over-complicate the essay or just describe events / motives / actions plain wrong, the essays were of a better quality than the Gatsby first drafts. On the whole they were relevant, and showed good knowledge of Proctor. (G= 15 passed first draft, Average mark 11.9. TC = 19 pass, average 13.2)
Specific points -
* Very few refer to the initial action which begins the drama – i.e. Abigail’s lies & accusations (ie lack of integrity) is the catalyst for the whole tragedy.
* From plan: ‘Address the fact the play is based on historical events, making it more powerful.’ This doesn’t mean just repeating the above, which is vague. Address the fact! Does the fact the lying, manipulation and bitterness is based on real human actions and interactions make it more chilling? Disturbing? Say so!
* Some poor understanding of what a literal crucible is or does. Saying a crucible can ‘withstand’ great pressure and heat is true, but hardly relevant is it? Relevant: heat (intense – uncomfortable) , small space (claustrophobic, confined) - link to integrity being tested in this difficult / unpleasant environment. Ask class. See (1)
* Techniques mentioned in intro – inconsistent attention paid to these throughout essays. Some mention them in intro, never to be mentioned again – why??
Elizabeth denying John’s affair is the turning point. This is a dramatic technique used by Miller. It is in Act Three. Try and understand why it changes the direction of events. This is what a turning point is. Characterisation of Proctor is also a dramatic technique used by Miller. It is created by many things (his dialogue with others, the language (inc. word choice and tone) he uses, stage directions etc etc. It happens throughout the play. Climax is a dramatic technique. It is a point in Act 4 where the tension and intense turmoil reach their highest point. That is what a climax is. Try and show understanding of this in your analysis. When is this point, exactly > just before, or the instant he tears the confession. What makes it climactic? > Tension, the stakes (what’s at risk, what is to be gained), Forgiveness, resolution.
* Paragraph 3 – ‘integrity’ is in inverted commas for a reason! Many of you write it without, or do not write ‘lack of’, displaying no understanding.
* Paragraph 3 – further issues. The plan said ‘Mention that John is characterised in a way that makes him stand out in contrast to the ‘integrity’ shown by the weak Parris, the bitter Putnams and the vengeful Abigail. Why is this effective?’ Hmmm. See (3) Why are these brief adjectives describing others so good? © Andrew Keron 2013.
* Proctor’s avowal to ‘cut off his hand’ is often analysed well, but some completely miss the point. It shows his integrity. How? Admits thinking of A – honesty, transparency (Esp. compared to Putnams, Parris etc) – image of mutilation is shocking and strong – shows his resolve to stay true – he believes in E, in marriage – he’s morally upright.
* So many ‘bolt on’ comments on integrity that you somehow think are effective. Example: ‘Abby, I may think of you softly from time to time. But I’ll cut off my hand before I’ll ever reach for you again.’ Proctor’s determination and passion to never go back to Abigail are conveyed in this violent, shocking image. This conveys his integrity.’ Arrrrgh! Neither should you over complicate it. Referring to the question should always be straightforward, connected with what you’ve just said and never ‘bolt on’. Example:
‘Proctor’s determination and resolve to not rekindle his affair with Abigail and clear guilt over his actions is conveyed effectively with this violent, gruesome image, and furthermore shows he is a man who values integrity and honestly highly.’
* Fraser’s analysis of John holding Mary’s elbow / answering for her / Mary changing her mind in his presence casting doubt on his integrity only works if you explain it in terms of the court’s perception of him, or at least other characters. We don’t suddenly think he’s a witch, do we??
* Once again the ‘L’ part of the PEEL paragraphs is consistently poorly done from many.
* #notesnotcomingoutright1: ‘Proctor’s affair is both a blessing and a curse.’ sounds awful. Better: ‘Proctor’s affair is crucial as it could damn him or save him’ even ‘potential blessing’ is better.
* As in the Gatsby essay, many, many people suffer from irrelevant topic sentences. For example I saw a lot of ‘In Act 3, Proctor and Mary come to court…’ You may as well write: ‘I’m going to re-tell the story now, and I might link back to integrity at the end of the paragraph.’ How to set your aim at the target? ‘In Act 3, Proctor’s integrity is put to the test in the crucible-like atmosphere of the court.’
* Often there is no connection between paragraphs 5 and 6. Para 5s often end like: Elizabeth’s protection of John ironically condemns him and removes his only advantage over Abigail.’ Then immediately into para 6: ‘Proctor displays much integrity when he decides to rip up his confession in Act 4’.
* Nearly ZERO quotes of ‘Because it is my name!...’ in Act 4. How important is this? Very. Use it! Think about how John’s ‘name’ – first his family’s opinion of him and second his reputation in Salem – is important to him, how highly he was thought of by everyone. Think about his reaction when Danforth says they will post his confession on the church door.
* Just listing ‘Parris, Danforth, Cheever and Hathorne are the ‘dogs’…’ at the end of your essay carries no weight if you don’t specify who they are / why they’re hypocritical and lack integrity.
* #notesnotcomingoutright2: ‘Proctor wants to be seen as a symbol of truth’ is a bit like saying Gatsby doesn’t want the pool drained because it symbolises his love for Daisy – far fetched and slightly absurd. Always think about the difference between the often straightforward motives / reactions of human characters and our literary interpretation of events (e.g. perceiving symbolism). Remember, we don’t always know if Fitzgerald and Miller intended their writing to be seen in all the ways we allege – but as long as you argue convincingly, accurately and relevantly, your points will be given merit.
So many of you are potential 21s- 23s in essays but will fall short unless you redraft carefully with the above in mind.